


Never Have I Ever

by SPNxPhantasy



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angry Sex, Angst and Humor, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ashton wants to help everyone, Drunk Sex, Explicit Language, Homophobic Language, I Don't Even Know, I'm Sorry, Insomnia, Jealous!Michael, Luke doesn't sleep a lot, M/M, Michael's a stubborn little shit, Mild Language, Never Have I Ever, Rating May Change, Sexuality Crisis, adding tags along the way, and Calum just wants everyone to calm the fuck down, hurt!luke, lashton friendship, past brashton, protective!ashton, sad!Luke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-15
Packaged: 2018-05-05 23:40:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 16,678
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5394578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SPNxPhantasy/pseuds/SPNxPhantasy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The boys play some Never Have I Ever with Ellen...and although she's had some strange answers before, she never expected this bomb to be dropped on her show.</p>
<p>or </p>
<p>Luke has a secret, and it comes out on television</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know what happened here guys...  
> I watched the video of ellen and 1D playing and this one question was asked, and then I read a comment that 5sos should play this game and it got my head thinking way too much and it sparked this fanfic.  
> Probably because I've been reading too many Muke fanfics recently.

Luke was feeling a little off today.  
It was promo time again and sleep had not come easy for the 4 Australian boys, as they were flying from one place to another nearly every day promoting the new album. But the past few days have been even worse for the youngest boy. Tossing and turning and replaying conversations in his mind that he's not allowed to talk about. Or won't talk about. He's not even sure anymore. I guess they kinda go hand in hand when keeping a secret like this.  
But last night... He got no sleep whatsoever.  
Since there was nothing to mark the end of last nights events and this morning's jam packed schedule, disoriented doesn't even come close to describing his state of being today. He's shuffling around in a barely functioning trance of adrenaline and coffee. Being rushed from one interview to another. But he's kind of glad for the distraction at the moment. Because his mind keeps drifting back to the night before at every possible opportunity. And he doesn't know what to do with that yet. The memory of the heated argument and it's aftermath. It's Michael's fault really... that Luke feels so uncomfortable today. It's always Michael's fault. He hasn't shown any desire to talk about last night with Luke. It's driving Luke nuts, but he's too awkwardly self conscious to bring it up himself. And Michael should be the one to talk first anyway, shouldn't he? I mean, he's the one who burst into Luke's hotel room screaming obscenities at an ungodly hour. Something's obviously shifted between them and he can feel it, in every fiber of his being, not to mention in his aching muscles and numerous bruises, but no one's commented on it yet today. And he's glad. Because he doesn't really know what he'd say to Ash and Cal if they asked what was up. So he's holding out hope that no one notices.

They're all standing backstage chatting and getting ready for the show. The normal band banter is there, although Michael and Luke don't really speak to each other, just join in with the groups conversation. Luke keeps sneaking Michael glances though, trying to initiate an opening for Michael to jump at, because God knows they need to talk about it. But no such luck. He only thinks he sees Mikey glance back once, but he looks away too fast for Luke to be sure. So he continues to say nothing.

".....back with 5 seconds of summer!" Ellen's voice suddenly booms.  
Luke's spent the past 3 minutes of commercial break just staring at the table between themselves and Ellen. Drifting off and not really paying attention to the small talk among them all. Even though he's the closest to her on the left side of the couch her voice felt as if it was coming from far away. He was able to participate in the earlier interview well enough though, talking about the album and the tour, thanks to Calum, who was sitting next to him. He had to nudge him with his shoulder occasionally when Luke would start to get lost in his own thoughts. Conveniently Michael hadn't noticed, because he chose to sit on the opposite side of the couch, closest to the audience. Typical Michael... with his just-ignore-your-problems-and-maybe-they'll-go-away attitude. But Luke's not going away anytime soon. They're in a band together for fucks sake... Calum nudges him again.  
"So we're going to play a fun game now, that I've been playing with some of my guests and the audience seems to love it. It's called Never Have I Ever. So you each get a paddle with I HAVE on one side and I HAVE NEVER on the other. I'll say never have I ever done something and you respond with the appropriate side of the paddle. Seems easy enough right?" Oh great more participation... but he's played the game before and it's always pretty fun, so at least there's that.  
"I would assume your fans probably know a lot about the four of you?" Ellen asks.  
"Oh definitely!" Ashton chimes in with a giggle. "We have very passionate fans and we've been posting our lives on youtube and keek and stuff for years! They might even know more about these dude's than I do sometimes."  
"That's great! And hopefully we'll learn even more today."

"Alright so lets get started. Never have I ever hooked up with a fan."  
They all laugh and hold up I HAVE NEVER.  
"Really, none of you have? Not after a concert or at a bar?"  
"No," Ashton starts, "I feel like it'd be too weird, you know?"  
"I'd like to disagree with that," Calum jumps in, "I would totally hook up with a fan if I was feeling it." he chuckles.  
Michael flat out cackles. "Seriously!? Well no, that doesn't actually surprise me that Calum would say that. He's pretty laid back."  
Luke just smiles. It's all he can really manage at the moment.  
"Okay I'll take your word for it," Ellen laughs again, "Never have I ever used another band members toothbrush without telling them."  
"NO! That's disgusting!" Ashton shouts with a booming laugh.  
"Never have I ever..."

Luke kind of loses track of time, the questions are pretty funny and easy to answer, and don't really require too much commentary on the matter. That's part of what makes it so much fun, not knowing the context. There's only a few questions left when Luke's caught off guard.

"Never Have I Ever hooked up with someone another band member has dated." Oh shit. The fans in the audience breath in a collective gasp, and start laughing.  
All the boys turn their heads toward Luke who currently looks like a deer caught in the headlights. They're all slightly amused and holding up their I HAVE NEVER side, even Michael, though his eyes hold a little bit more emotion in them. A slightly bitter curiosity. Like it's a little painful for him still, even though they've moved way beyond it in the past few years they've been friends. It still shows a little behind his eyes though. And Luke feels terrible about it. His paddle remains in his lap.  
"I don't know if I want to answer this question to be honest." He says with a nervous chuckle. Ellen's eyes are wide in disbelief as she's grinning ear to ear and trying not to laugh. She clearly doesn't know about Aleisha. Michael's staring Luke down just waiting for him to fess up and enjoying every moment of his best friends discomfort.  
"Okay, let me refraise the question... Never have I ever _dated_ someone another band member has dated..." Luke carefully looks over at his bandmates faces one by one, first Calum's, then Ashton's, and finally Michael's. And there it is, the same challenge in his eyes as last night, although not as heated, it's there, making him blush.  
Luke hangs his head in embarrassment as he slowly and regretfully turns his paddle. I HAVE. "I feel like such a horrible person now!" Luke speaks up with a laugh, trying to keep it light. Ellen can't believe it. "You actually dated one of their exes?" she laughs in bewilderment. Ashton and Calum keep looking between Luke and Michael, laughing. "You dated Michael's ex?" She asks, figuring it out. "I swear I'm not a horrible person! haha." Michael cuts him off, "Yeah, but you can't just date a friends ex..." Michael teases. "We were like 13! And we hated each other back then, you need to let it go already!"  
Everyone is laughing, because this is normal banter for the band and it's all meant in good fun, but Michael and Luke are getting a little heated, things left unsaid starting to bubble up to the surface. Ashton is the first to notice, he feels Michael's demeanor change beside him as Michael stiffens almost imperceptibly. Michael's eyes still haven't left Lukes. Ashton's confused, what just happened here? He turns and gives Luke a worried look. That's when Calum notices. _Oh God,_ Luke thinks, _pick this back up before it gets too out of hand and someone else like Ellen or an audience member catches on._ He picks up his water mug, effectively cutting eye contact with Michael, as the audience has settled into a comfortable silence and Ellen is about to say something else.  
"Why didn't you wanna answer the question before it was refraised?" Michael cuts in unexpectedly, still not looking away from Luke. "I've always wondered... did you guys sleep together? I mean you guys were kinda young but you were pretty serious. You've never told me." Lukes eyes go wide. The audience is dead silent. There's a pause as Luke finds his voice again. "Ohmygod I'm not answering that question."  
Luke goes to take a drink of the water in front of him to avoid the awkwardness and to avoid the question further.  
Ellen jumps in to try and get the interview back on track, "Wow that's an interesting backstory you guys have, but I think that's a bit too personal to air out on television don't you think? Maybe too intimate even for his friends-" All eyes are on Michael. "Oh well it's okay, cause I fucked Luke last night so..." Luke chokes on his water as Ash and Cal's faces go slack in shock and Calum goes as far as dropping the paddle because his fingers forget that he should still be holding on to it. "...I don't think he and I can get more intimate than that." Michael continues with a smug grin. Ellen's jaw has all but dropped to the floor and her eyes are darting between the boys. Not sure what to make of this information and whether to take Michael seriously or not. Luke's eyes are wide as he continues violently coughing and his head turns to lock eyes with Michael's mischievous glare. Luke looks utterly terrified, but Michael is loving it. Catching everybody off guard is almost like an everyday hobby of his.

And as Luke recovers his breath, he's not sure what his face is showing right now. Hurt, anger... relief, hope... lust?  
God, he just hopes his face looks as bewildered as everyone else's, as if this is all just a big well played out joke.  
But once again, Luke gets a little lost in Michael's eyes, trying to figure out what's going on in his head, and starts thinking of the previous night when Michael's eyes were a hell of a lot closer to his face. He lets his mind drift to Michael bursting into his hotel room as Luke was walking out of the bathroom, and to Michael holding him firmly against the wall pressing all his body weight onto Luke, and the moment when all of the anger left Michael's face and he kissed Luke, and then to what Michael was mad about in the first place. His mind then skips to teeth clashing together, and clothes being thrown to the floor. He feels the uncertainty all over again. Those same emotions mirroring what he feels in this moment brings Luke back to the present. Everyone's looking at Luke now, his friends as well as strangers waiting for a rebuttal or a conformation he's not sure. They may not even know what they want to hear themselves. All Luke knows is that he can't turn back from this moment, and he's never wanted to tell the truth more than he does right now. But that might not be the most appropriate thing to do. So he settles on something classier, that people can pick apart and analyse later. Just like Luke and Michael are gonna have to figure things out later. "Definitely can't get more intimate than that!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this was a little all over the place.  
> I'm posting this at 3am, unbeta'd, after having spent the past 4 or 5 hours writing it. I literally just thought up the concept and immediately started writing it. And just filled in the blanks along the way lol


	2. Wake me up now, and tell me this is all a bad dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael's always been the talk first and think later (if ever) kind of guy.  
> Sometimes it comes back to bite him in the ass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well... I decided to make a part 2! :D  
> I originally intended this to just be a one-shot, but you guys seemed to enjoy the first part and I had a bit of an idea for the aftermath...(I was also itching to get into the other boys heads a bit as well) so here it is! thanks for everyone who convinced me to do it with their adorable comments!

Michael's always been one for bluntness, theatrics, and generally just over all being a little shit. He lives for it. He's always been the talk first and think later (if ever) kind of guy. The band has even stated that they just have to go along with it sometimes, because that's a part of being in a band, it's a go down with the ship kind of mentality. If one member does something, you back them up or join in, with no time to argue or second guess it.  
It just so happens that Mikey is almost always that one member.  
Sometimes it comes back to bite him in the ass.

\------

 _"You need to let it go already!"_ Luke half jokingly yells at Michael.  
The words hit Michael hard and he has to physically stop himself from flinching back. There's a few moments while Luke's statement is echoing in his head, Luke probably unaware of his choice of words and how it would affect Michael, and he completely forgets the comeback that was on the tip of his tongue a moment ago.  
Instead, his mind automatically flashes back to not 24 hours prior, to all the things he was so desperately trying to forget today. Like how the four best friends were having a great time in Cal's hotel room until Luke left for his own room to shower and Michael got so drunk that he was taking out all of his frustrations on Cal and Ash until he decided to pester the source of said frustrations. Leading to the exact moment that he completely fucked up, and did the stupidest thing he thinks he could have ever done. And not to mention what he really doesn't want to admit to himself, how absolutely _amazing_ it had all felt until the realization of what he had just done, and what he had given of himself away, hit him and he tried to regain his composure in any way possible. And _ouch,_ that had been painful for him and Luke both.  
Time seems to last an eternity as Michael continues to stare at Luke and he knows his cheeks will start to flush if he doesn't do something about this quick. He needs to get out of his own head and steer this conversation back in his favor, and if he can't do that, then maybe he should just disappear farther into the recesses of his mind where he can't be held responsible for how his body acts while he completely shuts everything else down.  
As Michael tries to steer his mind back to the problem at hand, he latches onto something in the phrasing of the question. Wording can mean everything, he should know, he's been trying to purposefully construct his sentences to avoid certain things for years, part of the perks of having a publicist, although his mind isn't always as fast as his mouth.  
It's not going to end well for him, but he knows just how to fix it. His stare remains unwavering though admittedly unfocused.  
Luke picks up his mug.  
His heart speeds up as he starts to feel reckless, which is never a good mindset for Michael to be in, especially not at a time like this.  
"Why didn't you wanna answer the question before it was rephrased?"...

He didn't mean to really. I mean, he kinda did, but only because in his mind he was getting payback for his own slip up the night before; He was taking back control. And watching Luke embarrassed and struggling was making him feel better about his own embarrassment. But he didn't really think this one through, like he rarely does. He's always had trouble controlling the things he let slip out of his mouth when his brain wasn't working hard enough to contain them. He couldn't help it, he was just too damn curious, and he had just resolved to not hold back on Luke anymore, so why the fuck not? Michael didn't know if Luke and Aleisha had slept together, but he sure as hell knows that he's slept with Luke, so if Luke had indeed slept with her, than it's almost like Mikey had too, in his own little way. And Michael _really_ just needed to one up Luke right now.  
But of course in usual Michael fashion, he forgot that others were listening and this wasn't just between him and Luke. If Luke wasn't comfortable discussing his sex life with his best friends in the entire world, why the fuck would he say anything when under this kind of pressure? With a whole audience listening in and his every move being recorded for even more people to watch later.  
And if the question about Aleisha wasn't bad enough on it's own, Michael had to go and let one more thing slip while he was at it.  
"Oh well it's okay, cause I fucked Luke last night so..."  
And _shit_ , he just spilled the secret he's been trying to hide from literally everybody in the world; The fans, the public, his best friends, and most of all, the one person who was definitely not going to judge him for it... Luke. It wasn't just the fact that he'd slept with Luke... but the context of what that means. For him, as well as the band, and everyone else for that matter.  
He didn't want to out Luke (or himself) or make it a big thing on TV, he just wanted everyone to know they didn't have to pity him for Luke taking Aleisha. Because Mikey had one better. He had Luke.

This was a step in the complete opposite direction he was wanting to take, like 180 degrees backwards kind of direction, just like last night. His mind, body, and emotions going three separate ways at once. _Goddammit._ Well it's too late to turn back now. "...I don't think he and I can get more intimate than that." _Don't freak the fuck out Michael, keep it together you're on TV right now. They might just take it as a joke, you never know. It's not like you all haven't made those jokes before._ But now it's all up to Luke. How he responds can very well change their entire lives. Michael knows what Luke is dying to say, and Michael just handed him that opportunity on a silver fucking platter, but would he actually do it? He's not as careless as Michael when it comes to the press. He'll want to do the most logical and strategic thing, rather than what he desires. Think first, calculate, then talk. Completely opposite to Michael.  
It feels like an eternity before Luke finally speaks.  
"Definitely can't get more intimate than that!"

\------

The boys were soon dismissed by Ellen and returned to the green room. They were cracking jokes and pushing each other in the halls, just like any other day, and it didn't feel so different than normal. Mikey and Cal had their arms locked together and were swinging their feet in front of each other in synchronization as Ash walked along side them slowly shaking his head and giggling fondly to himself. They can be such overgrown children sometimes, but Ash thinks you kind of need to retain that childlike innocence and wonder to survive an industry such as this. It's the only way they stay sane. Luke was the only one lingering behind a bit, moving at a slower pace and shuffling his feet as if it's too much effort to even pick them up properly. After Luke relieved the tension with his joke, Ash and Cal had relaxed a bit, because of course it was a joke, Ash felt stupid for even considering it could be true in the first place. Luke and Mikey wouldn't actually sleep together. That's preposterous.  
But then why was Luke being all weird? Was it the Aleisha question? Or was he just embarrassed by the joke, I mean, it wouldn't be the first time Mikey's crossed the line and took a joke too far. Luke was probably worried about people over analyzing his every move again, trying to see if there's any truth to them hooking up with each other. The boys have never been shy about showing their affection towards each other, but Luke will feel as if he can't even bump Mikey's shoulder for a while without a fan confirming their relationship. Life in the public eye is hard, and rumors spread like wildfire. They make it back to the green room and settle into the couches around the coffee table. Cal's got one arm thrown over Michael and his feet propped on the table. Ash opts to throw his feet over the both of them and stretches out laying his head in Luke's lap on the other end.

The other boys have noticed Luke's been a bit off recently, not necessarily sad, but... definitely not happy. He plays most of it off on jet lag and being tired, or general exhaustion from touring. They accept the excuses when he gives them, but that doesn't mean they don't still wonder and worry about him. It's been getting worse in the past couple of weeks, and today was not an exception. He barely said anything in their multiple interviews, and offered little to the band conversations. It was only when you got him one on one where he would open up a little again, and get out of his head a bit. But that was a rarity. His caffeine intake has skyrocketed and that's really saying something, considering Luke's normal daily coffee consumption. And if the bags under his eyes were any indication, he's definitely not sleeping.

Eventually it gets silent, and awkward, and Ash is once again contemplating the possibility of it being true. And the gravity of it if it is. Luke's never talked about having sex with anyone. He keeps everything about his relationships and that part of his life to himself. That's why Mikey was so curious in the first place, because they all genuinely _don't know_. But what if he never talks about it because he's still a virgin? Oh god, but if what Mikey said is true then.... did Mikey take Luke's virginity?! But why the fuck would Michael just announce that to everybody out of nowhere? Not even Mikey could stoop that low in order to prove a point. Omg he really just needs to talk to Luke. But... privately. That's when he's most likely to be honest, and if it's true, he definitely doesn't want everyone standing around and listening in on that conversation.

Calum seems to be struggling with it just as much as Ashton now. The longer they all sit in silence the more it looks like someone will bring it up, but they aren't sure if they should. What if it was just a joke and they're reading into it too much, but then why does Luke look so uncomfortable? He would normally just laugh a comment like that off afterwards, but hes not even acknowledging Mikey's existence. It's weird. But like, it can't actually be true right? Neither of the boys had ever given any indication of liking each other. Apart from the occasional cuddle, they didn't even touch that often, but all the boys did that. It was just a part of their friendship. Spawned by just how close they really were and how comfortable they were with each other.  
And neither of them had ever expressed an interest in someone of the same gender. How did they miss it? They are literally never apart! They know each other in and out. All the habits and nervous ticks, they could read each other's body language. So they would definitely notice something as significant as two of them having sex. Right?  
The longer Calum thinks about it, the angrier he gets. What the fuck is he missing here?

Luke knew Michael didn't have much of a filter, but he never expected this. He doesn't even know if Michael meant to do it, or if it just kinda slipped out.  
When Michael didn't so much as speak to Luke or even look him in the eye all day, he'd expected Michael to play it off like it never happened and to never speak of it again. After all, that's what he'd been doing for the past few months anyway, and that's what led to the explosive fight the night before. Luke was just bottling it all inside, because Michael refused to acknowledge it and Luke refused to talk about it to anyone else. Ugh, why did he have to be so stubborn all the time? But then Mikey just blurts it out in front of everybody? It makes no sense! Luke really needs some more caffeine if he's going to survive the rest of the day.

The tension gets to be a bit too much and Luke announces to no one in particular that he needs more coffee. Ash glances up at him concerned, as Luke maneuvers Ashton's head off his lap and back onto the couch. Luke stands up and stretches, lifting his shirt up and revealing a few inches of skin above his waist line. Ash's eyes go to his skin and his eyes widen when he notices faint purple bruises about the size of fingertips on his hips. Ashton's entire body tenses up and freezes in place.

Luke leaves the room and it's silent for a full minute before Cal can't keep it to himself anymore and finally explodes. "What the fuck was all that? Mikey, you can't do that! People are gonna talk about that for years to come!" Ash comes to his senses and sits up abruptly. "Calum..." he starts but Calum hasn't seemed to have noticed. "You've drawn the wrong kind of attention to the band, and for what? A split second decision joke? You took that way too far, even for you! And why would you publicly ask Luke about losing his virginity? He hasn't even told us in confidence, why would he announce something like that on TV? He looks so fucking uncomfortable about the whole situation, and he's already been super down about something lately." "Cal..." He tries again, his tone more demanding. "I don't even want to see the inevitable shitstorm that will be on twitter. Our fans already over analyse our actions but now the media will be too, even more so than usual and for entirely different reasons, they'll no longer be looking for flirty exchanges with other people, they'll be looking for it within our own band..." Michael has slowly gotten paler as Calum has been yelling at him, obviously fuming about the whole ordeal. "And if that's not bad enough, they'll-"  
He cuts Calum off as he gets off the couch and without looking at either boy announces, "I need to take a piss." He vacates the room without another word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this! because like I said, I wasn't intending on continuing this, but I'm kinda happy I did?
> 
> I took the title from Everything I didn't say, because Michael is bottling things up just as much as Luke is, and although it's of his own making, he kinda hates himself for it.
> 
> I'm also super excited to say that I'm already working on a third chapter lol


	3. Silent words are hard to speak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's taken me so long between chapters. I started this chapter as soon as I posted chapter 2 but I lost everything I had written and had to start all over. And I took over a month break from this because May was literally the worst month of my life so I couldn't even remember everything I had written and wanted to write about in this chapter, so I was literally starting from scratch except for the very basic structure I had planned out.  
> Frustration levels at all time high.

Michael feels like shit.  
And he's pissed. And depressed. And has a huge fucking hangover (Just to name a few of his problems).  
The last thing he really wants to do is hurt Luke and put himself at odds with Calum. But he can't talk about it. He won't. He absolutely _refuses_. If he doesn't acknowledge it than it means it's not real. So no. No thank you. Everybody just needs to move on from the situation and stop prying into his private life. Even though it's his own fucking fault for blurting that shit out on the fucking Ellen Degeneres show, Jesus Christ how stupid can he be?  
He doesn't want to know what the fans in the audience are already saying on social media. It was a real dick move on Michael's part and it's already fucked him over. It caused friction within the band just like Michael knew it would. _See this is why we don't talk about it Michael, because this is where the truth gets us. In a real shit place if you ask me. Which nobody is, because hello, still not talking about it. If you would have just ignored your feelings and stifled your own embarrassment and curiosity, we wouldn't have to do all this damage control. Everything would have been fine._ But Calum is right. If he thought he was already hiding too much when in Luke's company, then he's completely fucked now. He can't touch Luke in a friendly manner without fans thinking it means more than that, and he can't just stop being tactile with Luke, because fans will see that as a sign that they're trying to cover something up. No matter what way you spin this, Michael is 100% screwed.  
And that's just dealing with the fandom and outside perspectives. Did Michael tip off the other band members or do they still think it was just a super cruel joke. Calum had seemed upset that Michael took it way too far, not like he was mad at Michael for liking guys or for being with Luke and not telling them. And Michael wasn't even looking at Ash properly to gauge his reaction to all of this. Has he figured it out? He's always the first one to pick up on the little things that the other boys don't notice. At least he won't say anything, most likely, if he has figured it out. After all, he is the sensible one of the group. Always has been. Maybe Michael should have asked Ash for some advice a while back, maybe he wouldn't be in this position now if he had. But then again... Michael still refuses to accept the reality of this situation. And opening up this can of worms any sooner than now wouldn't exactly have been beneficial anyway.

Michael is so focused on his own thoughts, that he nearly runs face first into the wall at the end of the hallway and when he abruptly pulls up short to avoid a collision he nearly trips over his own feet. _Real smooth Michael._ He didn't even have to walk this far. There was literally a bathroom in the green room 15 feet from the couch they were all lounging on, but Michael just HAD to get away from the boys for as long as was acceptable-so if that means a few extra corridors and a few near misses with stairs before reaching his destination then so be it. As long as he doesn't have to talk to anybody he'll survive.

Michael rounds the corner to the lobby with an intensely disgruntled expression that has everyone he's passed giving him worried and slightly fearful glances. He only really looks up to see their reaction when a man actually flinches while walking by as if Michael was about to punch him in the face or something. Like come on, Michael may be pissed off with himself and hungover, but he's not one to get violent. _Well..._ \- nope. Definitely don't need to think about that. But thanks to said fearful man, Michael has enough time to notice that none other than Luke Hemmings is standing on the other side of the lobby next to the cafe with a fresh cup of steaming black coffee. He's talking to a few guys from Ellen's crew that Michael vaguely recognizes from earlier. Luckily the bathrooms are on his side of the room, and he doesn't need to cross Luke's path to get there. But the chances of being seen are almost 100% anyway, so there's really no point in trying to sneak by either. Michael supposes he could just turn back around and return to the green room, it's not like he ACTUALLY needed to pee, but he was wanting to splash some water in his face and take a moment for himself. He just needed everyone to stop yelling at him while simultaneously looking at him like a kicked puppy as well as a monster. But what would that look like to the people who have probably already spotted him in the lobby, if he were to just turn around and flee now? Knowing Michael he'd probably trip again anyway and make an even bigger commotion than just continuing on his way to the bathroom. And how would that look to the boys if he returns 2 minutes later just to use the bathroom in there? Then everyone will know something is definitely up.  
He continues on his way.  
The man talking to Luke glances to the side and sees Michael entering the lobby. His eyes linger just a moment, long enough for Luke to notice his gaze shifted elsewhere and he turns his head in said direction. Luke spots Michael immediately, his shoulders pulled back and his walk a little too deliberate, too determined to be his normal saunter. They make eye contact, but Michael doesn't falter. He looks away and continues to the bathroom.

Luke is suddenly furious and walks after him. Effectively cutting off the mans story about how he'd flown in a private jet for the first time just last week only to find out after a few hours that it wasn't headed to the shoot he was supposed to be setting up for, but to some island Luke's never heard of for god knows what reason. Honestly Luke wasn't paying all that much attention.

They can't keep dancing around each other like this. Luke needs to know what the fuck Michael thinks he's doing. You can't just yell at people, fuck them, use them for your own personal gain, then ignore them, only to shout about it to millions of people the next day then proceed to ignore them again while pretending like none of it ever happened. Like what the hell? This shit is fucking with Luke's head and he needs some answers because honestly at this point, he thinks he knows just about as much as everyone else does about what's going on with Michael. Because Michael sure as hell hasn't talked to Luke about it.

Luke all but barrels into the bathroom, slamming the door open with enough force for it to smack into the wall with a heavy thud reverberating through the air and up Luke's arm. Michael's head snaps up from where he's hunched over the sink, water running, to stare at Luke through the mirror. There are water tracks marked on his face that have turned as cold as the air suddenly feels around them. Neither boy says anything or moves for a few moments. _Thank god nobody else is in the bathroom right now, that'd be embarrassing._ Luke properly walks into the bathroom letting the door swing shut behind him, the angry scowl not once leaving his face. He takes a few steps in Michael's direction until he's standing just off his shoulder. Michael doesn't react except to stiffen slightly. He turns off the tap and ignores Luke in favor of grabbing a few paper towels and begins to dry his hands. Luke's hands ball into fists.

"Are you going to even fucking say anything to me?! What kind of a sick game are you playing Michael?! How dare you publicly out me like that when I don't even know what the fuck I am myself?!"  
Michael's mouth is parted slightly in shock, Luke hardly ever yells...or swears.  
"When I told you that I might like boys as well as girls, I fucking trusted you! I trusted you with something so fucking personal not even Calum or Ashton knows about it and they know everything there is to know about me! And now you're exploiting that on television?! What kind of a friend are you?! Throwing my trust back in my face like that so carelessly. Without even a second fucking thought."  
Michael has remained quiet the whole time. His jaw snaps shut and he refuses to answer, but his face crumples. He at least has the decency to look sad and regretful. Luke is no longer yelling, but his words hold just as much anger as when he was screaming in Michael's face.  
"You're not even going to deny it are you? That this is all just a game for you. Do you like fucking with other peoples psyches? Do you get off on it or something because this is seriously so fucked up."  
"Luke...- I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to- I just-" Michael can't help stumbling over his words. He's fucked up so badly and he doesn't want to hurt Luke any more than he already has, but it's not like he can actually tell Luke the truth. _Because look where the truth has gotten us so far._  
"Why can't you answer me? Why would you do that? You're supposed to be my best friend in the whole world Michael..."  
"I'm so fucking sorry... I can't-"  
"And what about last night, huh? What the hell was that about?"  
Michael blanches at his words and starts to close himself off again. "I already told you, that was a mistake."  
"But you're the one who initiated it!" Luke pokes Michael in his chest with his index finger while his other hand fists in his shirt. "Why would you do that when you knew I was struggling with my sexuality?!"  
"I was fucking drunk! What do you want from me?!"  
"I want you to tell me the fucking truth! Tell me if I'm fucking wrong so I can stop losing sleep over this!" Luke is nearly in tears now, the both of them breathing heavily.  
Michael tries to swallow past the dry lump in his throat. "What do you...-" Michael's question fades out, because he's not entirely sure he wants to know what Luke means by that. He has a guess, and he's desperately hoping that's not where Luke is going with this. It was bad enough having to lie the first time. Michael doesn't know if he can do that a second time.  
Luke takes a deep shuddering breath. "Tell me you don't feel anything for me Michael..." Luke chokes out, "and I'll let it go. I'll stop." Michael sucks in a breath as Luke looks directly into his eyes, waiting for his answer. "I-"  
Michael is cut off by the bathroom door opening abruptly. Their heads both turn toward the sound, though Luke doesn't move to distance himself from Michael or to drop his hands from where they've remained twisted in Michael's shirt. Calum and Ashton are standing in the entryway both adorning two very different expressions of shock and worry.  
Michael moves to take a step back, but Luke tightens his grip and pulls him forward, all eyes go to Luke. "I'm not letting you go until you've answered my question." Luke almost hisses.  
Michael takes a moment and smooths his features into a blank, cold expression once more. "I don't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ummm *clears throat*  
> So I hope you all enjoyed this update! (Please don't hurt me)
> 
> It felt really great to get back into this story, even after all the frustrations of having to write it like 3 times lol and this story seems to keep growing in my brain - more so than I originally planned anyway - so I don't know how long this fic will end up being, but I'm excited to explore all the little ideas I have floating around in my head about this universe with you guys :)


	4. Now that I'm broken (Now that you know it)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MERRY CHRISTMAS (Eve) my lovelies!!  
> So here I am, back again after a few more months of radio silence on my updates, I honestly apologize profusely for doing that. When I get busy I lack motivation to write, and I've been busy this past year. But my New Years Resolution is to make time for my writing, so hopefully you guys will be seeing me more often :)  
> I really hope you all enjoy this update!

If you would have asked Ashton how he thought today was going to go, this would not have been it. He expected a long day filled with the same repetitive questions, only to be replied to with band banter rather than actual answers. He most certainly was not expecting to be blindsided with utter confusion and strenuous conversation.  
It's dead silence in the car, heading back to the rented house now they're all done with interviews for a few days. Every sound amplified as if their very bodies were plugged into an amp rather than their instruments on stage. The tension so thick it's hard to even breathe properly. Calum had to open the window after a while, just to try and drown out the stuffy atmosphere. It didn't help.  
Nobody's spoken a word since leaving the bathroom where Calum had burst in with Ashton in tow, desperately trying to talk him out of it. He doesn't know what happened between those two during that time, but it can't have been anything good. Michael and Luke aren't just politely ignoring each other anymore, no. They're as cold toward each other as if they'd both jumped into the arctic ocean, rather than spent 10 minutes alone together in a bathroom in California. Simply walking into that bathroom was like intruding on something intimately private - a concept that doesn't usually fit with this band - and Ashton wishes not for the first time that he would have been able to hold Calum back.  
Michael and Luke were standing just inches apart, both looking so vulnerable, and Ashton was able to see the moment they both closed off almost immediately upon his and Calum's arrival. Their openly hurt, almost broken, faces turning into masks of calm indifference. Ashton doesn't think he's ever seen Luke look so emotionally bare... or _angry._ Like all the forces of hell couldn't stop him from punching Michael in the face right there. But almost as quick as Ashton and Calum's intrusion, that anger was gone. Replaced by the same broken down, tired, and emotionally drained shell of a person Luke has been the past couple of months. And it's so painful to watch. The difference between the two so drastic that Ashton can't help but feel whiplash.

Luke has always seemed to wear his heart on his sleeve despite his determination to keep everything to himself when it comes to the deep stuff. At least as it pertains to Luke personally, he has no problem debating his opinions on the state of the world in general. It's well known how Ashton and Luke have deep intilectual conversations late at night and into the early morning hours about anything ranging from aliens to global warming or how we are all such small figures in the never ending void of time and space. In fact, Ashton recalls a conversation not all that long ago, probably within the last 6 months, in which Michael and Calum had gone out drinking after a show and Luke and Ashton had fallen into a comfortable silence while sitting in the back lounge of the bus watching tv. It was a sci-fi documentary style show debating the origins of man kind and they had spent twice as long telling each other their own theories than they did watching the actual show.  
It was some time later when Ashton got a text from his girlfriend, Bryana. It wasn't even a particularly long or special text, just a simple _Your show was great tonight! <3 _ that left him with a small fond smile that still hadn't gone away after he had replied. He was lost in his own mind staring off somewhere when Luke speaks up for the first time in about 20 minutes.  
"Did you know...- When you met Bry, did you know she would become this important to you?" Luke looks happy for his friend, but his tone gives away something else as well. Something Ash couldn't quite recognize at the time, but when looking back now was clearly longing, perhaps mixed with a bit of sadness as well. _How could Ash have not seen it then?_  
"When did you know? That it was more than just a crush or a casual thing?"  
"I don't know, honestly." He shrugs. "One day I just looked back and realized that something was different. I couldn't pick out why, or when it happened, only that somewhere between where we started and where we are now, I had grown to care for her in the deepest way I've ever known how to care for another person. And when she'd look at me, and smile, I couldn't help but feel better no matter how bad I'd felt minutes before. She made me feel comfortable with myself when I never knew anyone could do that for me. She makes me so happy by doing the littlest most inconsequencial things and somehow, within 6 months, she had become something constant in my life that I couldn't imagine living without anymore. By the time I'd figured that out, I realized it'd already been that way for months without my noticing it. It was just... there." Luke looked very thoughtful and was silent a long time. "It took me another couple of weeks to finally be brave enough to admit it to her." Ashton chuckled. There was another long pause before Luke was admitting quietly, "I'd give anything to have the surety and conviction and just... pure happiness that you two have."  
And that was it.  
He held eye contact just long enough for Ashton to see he was dead serious about it, before looking back to the tv that neither of them were paying attention to.  
And Ash couldn't say anything to respond to that. It's the most Luke's ever spoken about wanting a relationship since they'd moved out of Australia, and Ash didn't want to scare him away from opening up to him. But Luke offered up nothing further. His eyes remained unfocused, staring straight through the tv, thinking of something too far away from where they were sitting for either of them to possibly reach.

\----- 

They make it back to their shared house, Michael immediately making a beeline to his room without a word before slamming and locking his door. Calum looks like he wants to bust it down to demand an answer for Mikey's frankly ridiculous behavior today, as well as to also apologize for blowing up on him earlier. Mikey's his oldest friend after all and he doesn't know what to do if they aren't speaking to each other. He looks to Luke instead, who is silently staring at his hands on the sofa, no longer looking pissed since Michael has left the room, but now he looks... empty. And Calum doesn't know what to make of that, so his gaze finally settles on Ashton standing behind the couch. When they make eye contact, Ash silently tells Calum to leave the room so he can talk to Luke alone. He pleads with his eyes and it looks as if Calum understands completely, because he leaves without another word as well. Retreating to his own room to take a shower. Perhaps he can think of a way to talk to Michael once he's calmed down.

It's silent for a few more minutes as Ash quietly sits down next to Luke, unable to figure out how to broach the subject now he has the opportunity. But suddenly, before Ashton can even put his thoughts together, Luke is the first to speak.  
"Was it worth it?" He asks softly.  
Ash stops, looking absolutely stunned that Luke initiated this conversation. He's completely confused as to what Luke's actually asking him, so he asks just as softly, "Was what worth it, Luke?"  
"With Bry..." he starts, his eyes never leaving his lap, "Was all the heartache at the end of everything worth it for the good stuff in between?" Luke sounded so broken, and timid, as if revealing his most guarded secret. Like the words he spoke were an aged and already cracking crystal vase, so precious and damaged, that even one vibration of his own voice spoken at a high enough volume could shatter everything Luke held dear to pieces.  
Ashton didn't even have to think about it for a moment. "Yes." He had never been more sure of anything. "Every ounce of suffering was worth it for every moment of happiness I got to spend with her." Luke looked as if he were teetering on the ledge of a tall building, all flushed skin and wind swept hair, his eyes now glistening and still desperately clutching that beautiful splintered vase. Deciding on whether to stay safe, or to jump, and hope that someone will be there to catch him. "I wouldn't change a thing, because even though it's over now, and the pain of losing her was too great to try and put into words... she loved me. And I loved her. And I can look back on that chunk of my life and remember that we were _good._ It was _perfect_ and we loved each other and that's all that matters. Regardless of where we are now."  
It's quiet as Luke lets that sink in, his breath becoming more labored as he nervously runs a hand through his hair, making it even more untamed. "Ash...?" He takes a deep breath, desperately trying to swallow down all the emotions fighting to break the surface. He whispers, "Why doesn't Michael love me?"  
An arrow has just been shot through Ashton's chest, his blood pouring out and making his body feel cold. And Luke's vase is in beautiful sparkling pieces, scattered about the floor. And there's nothing Ashton can do to fix it.

It's so quiet Ashton can't even believe Luke has spoken, but Luke makes eye contact as the first tear falls, and all at once his face crumples as his sobs take over and he buries his face in Ashton's shoulder. Desperately clutching onto his best friend, Ashton's shirt fisted in his tight grip just as Michael's was earlier. Though no longer in rage, but in completely broken sorrow instead.

This time Ashton doesn't have an answer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Claps hands together and rubs them back and forth* I'm getting real excited to show you guys more of what I have planned!
> 
> Also I know a lot of this fic is turning out to be in an Ashton centric 3rd person POV at the moment (I'm loving writing his thoughts on this situation, because he's only slightly clued in like you guys all are and he's kinda essential atm) but we'll get more of Luke and Michael centered updates as I reveal more of the backstory to you!


	5. If you say that you don't feel a thing, if you don't know, let me go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! I'm actually posting this chapter less than a month after the last one! How about that?! lol

Luke cried for hours.  
Every time he'd start to calm down a fresh wave of hysterics would wrack his body within minutes, forcing him back under. Ashton lost track of time just holding him, rubbing his back and giving him soft comforting kisses to his forehead. There wasn't much he could say really, because he doesn't actually know what all happened between the two boys and he doesn't think now is the time to ask anymore. Instead, he made soothing shushing sounds to try and calm Luke down for about the first 20 minutes before he realized Luke just needed to let it all out. It kills him to see Luke like this, and it's even worse he doesn't know what to do to help in the slightest. He feels absolutely useless.  
"I'm here for you, Luke. Whenever you need me. You're my brother and I love you and I never want to see you in this much pain. I wanna help in anyway that I can, okay? Just tell me what you need. Please, just talk to me."  
Luke buries his face even further into Ashton, silently telling him that he just needs to be held and consoled, the entirety of his body weight now resting on the older boy, needing the physical reassurance that Ashton will block out the rest of the world around him. Luke needs a break from reality. And Ashton's always been Luke's go to when it comes to escaping.

After a few more minutes Ashton lays them down on the couch, Ash never breaking his hold on the younger boy, and Luke never removing his face from the darkness and safety of Ashton's shoulder. Neither boy says a word.  
Ashton's fingers start tracing gentle patterns into Luke's skin, knowing it's always calmed himself down when he was upset; he's hoping it'll comfort his friend as well. Luke's fingers tighten in Ashton's shirt and his body tenses for a moment before relaxing against Ashton once again.  
Luke is still shaking uncontrollably, his breathing ragged, and his eyes red and swollen, but he seems to be calming down again, at least for the moment. Clearly Luke isn't dealing with something and Ashton loves him too much to let him suffer alone anymore. So Ashton is going to make damn sure he's there until Luke is ready to talk, and not just until then. He'll continue to be there until Luke sends him away.

Eventually Luke's body can't physically produce anymore tears, and still Ashton doesn't let him go. Luke doesn't make a move to leave either, too exhausted to care much about anything. He passes out in Ashton's arms, safe and tucked away from the world, his body finally getting the rest it needs.  
Ash is utterly shocked. Beautiful, composed, happy-go-lucky Luke may very well be the saddest, most broken of them all. Hiding it all too well where not even his best friends suspected anything at all. How none of them noticed is beyond Ash, they can read each other as if they were thinking it themselves; being around each other everyday for years like they have, they've developed such a deep bond, it's hard to describe to people how much they each mean to each other when asked about it. He kicks himself again for letting Luke down by being too caught up in his own world to see that he was in this much pain.  
Ash feels like absolute shit for not checking in on him sooner and he falls into a fitful sleep a few hours after Luke.

\----------

Ashton wakes up to the early morning light filtering in through the curtains in the living room, reminding him he fell asleep on the couch with another 6 foot+ tall human being instead of alone in his own bed. His aching back confirming this as he tries to shift out from under Luke's weight. _God, how much does this kid weigh? I swear he was a skinny 120 pound boy like a week ago. Where the hell did the time go?_ He makes it out from under the other boy carefully, nearly falling into the coffee table as he slid off the couch. He stands, feeling the stiffness in his entire body, and stretches his hands high above his head with a yawn. His back makes a series of cracking sounds along his spine. Satisfied with the realignment, he turns back to Luke who remains dead to the world, his breathing even and his face more relaxed than Ash has seen it in a long time. Which makes Ashton realize just how long it's been since he's seen Luke this relaxed and he starts to feel like a shitty friend again. There are still tear tracks marking Luke's face, cutting through the otherwise smooth pale skin, like rivers cutting through the earth, eroding away the soil to make room for the salty current.  
It's still early, but Ash doesn't want the other boys waking Luke up when they inevitably stumble into the living room en route to the kitchen. He crouches beside the couch and slowly lifts Luke until he's curled into his arms bridal style. _Thank God I work out,_ he thinks, Luke isn't the lanky kid he used to be when they'd all give each other piggy back rides back when the band was just starting out. He was broader in the shoulders, his muscles more toned, and he'd even taken to growing a bit of a beard. They'd all grown up so much recently, and Ash feels a bit as if he's missed the transition period, and was thrown straight into the new versions of themselves somehow. _When did everything become so complicated?_

Careful not to jostle Luke out of sleep, Ash walks with measured steps to his own room, trying his best not to disturb him, because Ash knows he hasn't been sleeping.  
He gently lays Luke on top of the blankets, and takes his socks off each foot, quietly placing them on the dresser top beside the bed. He hesitates as he turns back. Those skinny jeans can't be comfortable at all, but how is he supposed to pry those off of Luke's mile long legs without waking the boy up? _Carefully,_ he answers himself.  
He undoes the belt and button, foregoing the zipper already feeling as if he's invading Luke's private space, which makes for a more difficult task of sliding them off for Ashton. They get stuck around his hips and Ash pulls a bit more aggressively. Luke groans and rolls to his side facing away from the dresser and toward the window, making Ash stop completely. It doesn't look as if the younger boy had woken up though, Ashton lets out a breath in relief.  
He finally gets them past Luke's hips and pulls each foot out of his pant legs. Luke's underwear has pulled down slightly from the fabric of the jeans pulling on them, and Ash can see the bruises on his hips more clearly. He stares for a moment caught up in the reality of what they could mean before he walks to the bedside near Luke's back to place the folded jeans along side the socks, then moves to pull his boxers back up. He catches a glimpse of something more than small bruises and stops. There are red marks scattered along the top rounded area of Luke's ass. He double takes and... yep. There on the globe of Luke's ass the red marks form the outline of a hand.  
He doesn't move for a few moments, too many thoughts and scenarios running through his brain to latch onto one cohesive thought. He gently pulls Luke's boxers back up and around his hips, as Luke starts to curl in on himself seeking the comfortable oblivion that hiding in Ashton's arms brought him previously. Ash takes his own jeans off and slides into bed behind Luke, pulling the covers up around them. He wraps his arm around Luke's waist, pulling him back against his chest and snuggles his face into his shoulders, needing some comfort of his own.

\----------

When Luke wakes up the first thing he realizes is he actually slept through the night. He didn't wake up once. Ashton's comforting presence kept him calm enough to sleep for more than 2 hours without waking up in a fit of panic.  
Second, he notices he's no longer on the couch, but in Ashton's room and he's no longer wearing pants either. He's in his boxers and the shirt he was wearing the day before.  
Third, he's alone in the room.  
Ash must have woken up before Luke and left for a run or some coffee as was habit by now for the older boy. He glances around to be sure, and finding no one there he slowly stretches out on the bed. He's warm where the blankets are enveloping him and he feels well rested for the first time in a long time, but stretching reminds him of everything his body has been through the past few days. He's sore all over; His butt bruised and aching, muscles stiff from sleeping on the couch, head stuffed and throat raw from bawling. But he feels refreshed in a way he didn't the day before so he counts it all as a win for the day.  
The noise of the door opening catches his attention. Ash comes tiptoeing into the room, quietly closing the door and turning around to notice that Luke is already up. "Oh you're awake," he smiles, "Sorry, I was just in the bathroom, how are you feeling?"  
Luke sighs and looks to his lap, "Better than yesterday," he speaks softly. He pauses before making eye contact and gives Ash a small smile, "Thank you." And he doesn't have to elaborate for Ash to know he means for holding him through his breakdown and not pushing for Luke to spill his deepest secrets. They share a meaningful look, exchanging all that needs to be said without words, then Ash walks to the bed and sits down on the bottom edge opposite of Luke.  
"You know we'll have to talk about it, right?" Ash asks not unkindly.  
Luke eyes widen in panic, but not as much so as he would have before in a situation like this where he's directly asked to talk about something he's not comfortable with. He pulls his legs up to wrap his arms around them, resting his chin on his knees and casting his eyes down once more. "It doesn't have to be right now if you're not ready, but you need to talk to somebody about it Luke. Please, I can't stand seeing you this sad. And I don't know how to help." It's silent for a few minutes where Ash doesn't think he's going to respond, but he surprises Ash again when he speaks up, albeit quietly.  
"This is hard for me. I don't know how to tell you, I-" he breaks off and takes a deep breath, "I don't know how to talk about it, Ash." There are tears gathering in Luke's eyes again and he can feel the panic building up in his chest.  
Ashton scoots up the bed and takes Luke's hands into his own. "Just... tell me what you need to get off your chest. Anything at all. Take your time and just trust me, _please._ I just want to help. No matter what it is." He's looking directly into Luke's eyes, brows furrowed and worry etched into every feature of his face.  
There's a heavy weight in Luke's stomach, pressing down and making him feel sick. The last time he opened up about all of this he was scared shitless and although it went okay initially, it didn't turn out well in the long run. Now there's even more to get off his chest, and that's the part that terrifies him the most. Talking about what happened between him and Michael has him physically shaking. _There's nothing to worry about, you're completely safe. It's just Ash. Everything is going to be fine._  
"Okay I can... I can try."  
"Okay, that's great Luke. Just... start wherever you want to, okay?" His voice is laced with compassion and Luke takes a minute to thank every God in the universe that he gets such a kind soul to call his best friend.  
"I've been having some... feelings... recently that I tried to figure out on my own, but I was so confused. I - I told Mikey about it and everything seemed fine? But then he never brought it up again and I started to notice that he stopped being as close to me. Like, he wouldn't cuddle unless it was a band cuddle with all of us, and we didn't spend as much time together just the two of us and I thought maybe he was weirded out about it, but the other night when we were all drinking in Cal's room, he seemed to be in a better mood and more comfortable around me than he had been in months, so... I brought it up again..." Luke trails off, looking down at their entwined hands.  
"What did you-" Ash seems to be struggling on whether or not to remain quiet and just let Luke continue when he's ready or to prompt him further.  
"I uh... I told him I'm umm bisexual." It's silent for a moment. Ash letting it sink in that he was correct in his assumption from everything he'd gathered in the past 24 hours. Though somehow, he still hadn't expected it. Luke clears his throat. "At least, I think so. I'm not entirely sure yet." Luke gets nervous again, and drops the other boys' hands, the silence making him feel like Ashton is going to stop being his friend now that he knows. But before he has enough time to properly start to panic, Ash launches himself the short distance between the two of them and pulls Luke into the tightest hug he can muster. Luke relaxes into the embrace circling his arms around the older boy and lets out the breath that had caught in his throat. "I love you. Don't you dare believe for one second that I'd stop. None of this could ever change that."  
Luke takes a shaky breath clutching Ashton to his body and whimpers, "Thank you."

They sit in comfortable silence letting the dust settle around them. Ash knows there's still more to the story, but for now it can wait.  
"Do you want some coffee? I put some on while I was out earlier. I can even make you some pancakes if you want?" Ash seems excited about the prospect of making Luke breakfast, but Luke doesn't think he could stomach it at the moment.  
"Just coffee is fine for now, thanks Ash." He seems a little put out about it, but brightens up again as he stands to go to the kitchen.  
"Okay, well if you change your mind just let me know."

They drink their coffee in bed propped up against the headboard and watching reruns on TV. They're halfway through their second episode of Wheel of Fortune when a commercial advertising their appearance on Ellen comes on. Luke had almost forgotten it'd be airing today. He quietly looks down at his mug. Ash looks over to him concerned, placing a hand on his shoulder, "Hey, you okay?"  
"What are the fans saying... the ones who were in the audience?"  
"Luke, I don't think you need to worry about that right now..."  
"Please, Ash. I just - I need to know. You can tell me, I can handle it."  
He pulls his bottom lip between his teeth and debates what to tell Luke. "Well... some of the fans have posted a rundown of what was said and they're divided on whether it was a joke or if it's true and we're all just trying to cover it up. The one's who weren't there are just extremely confused, because there's nothing confirmed right now and it hasn't aired yet, so they can't fully analyse it for their selves either."  
Luke nods his head slowly. "And... what about management? Has anyone spoken to them yet? Did they try to interfere and cut that segment or...is it still going to air? Did they speak to Mike about it?"  
Ash clears his throat, "I don't know... I haven't talked to anyone else this morning. I'd bet management would want it left out for language and vulgarity alone, but I don't know how that all works so I can't be sure."  
Luke sighs, "Okay."  
"But umm..." Ash hesitates, "speaking of Mike. What happened the other night, when you talked to him?"  
"Well... like I'd said earlier, he wasn't being weird toward me so I'd thought that it was my opportunity to talk to him about it again. I... told him I'd worked up the courage to go out and explore that side of myself and figure out if what I was feeling was real and... he got upset about it. Kinda angry even and... that's why I went back to my room early. But he came in not too long after and... he was... pissed. Pissed that I'd went out and slept with a guy without telling him about any of it, but... I didn't think he'd wanted to know, because he was ignoring the fact that I'd even told him I might be into guys, and I couldn't tell you or Cal about it because Mikey had already rejected me for it and I couldn't stand seeing either of you doing that to me too-"  
"I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this on your own," Ashton cuts him off, "and that you felt like you couldn't tell me or Cal, but I'm here now, right? And Cal will be the same, you know that he won't care, he's the most laid back guy I've ever met."  
Luke lets out a small chuckle, "Yeah, I guess you're right."  
Ashton sobers up in the next second though. "I... may have also seen some... marks on you?" Luke's head shoots up and whips around to look at Ashton with wide eyes. "Did... did Mikey hurt you, because he was angry? Or was it... um... consensual?"  
"God, no! Oh my God, nothing like that! No, he didn't, um... hurt me. It was...It was for me. I wanted-" He's blushing furiously now, working himself up again. "I... I liked it..." He whispers ashamed. _Ashton is definitely going to look at me differently now._  
"There's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of Luke." He tells him calmly. "It's actually a pretty common thing."  
Luke starts to cry again. "He gave me exactly what I wanted and then took away the one thing that I really needed and... I feel like I've been betrayed in the most intimate of ways. He's my best friend Ash, and he betrayed me. He used me. And he didn't care how it would hurt me. He fucked me and left me to figure it all out on my own, and I don't know how to deal with that. I trusted him and he threw it back in my face! I don't think I can forgive him for this," Luke sobs. "And what does that mean for all of us? I lose our friendship and it makes it weird between all of us and what if we can't all make it work anymore? Our bond is what really makes us special. What if it's too awkward and we all split up? We've completely ruined everything, and I don't know how to fix it!" Luke is in hysterics again, curling in on himself and burying his body in the covers, sobbing brokenly into the pillow.  
"Woah, woah, Luke slow down, take a deep breath, okay?" That was a lot on information without any detail and it's just left Ashton with more questions than he had before. But at least the biggest question on his mind was answered. They had slept together. Michael and Luke had had sex. But something happened and now Luke is a complete wreck and Michael is more distant and grumpy than he's ever been. "What did he take from you?" He questions confused.  
Luke doesn't answer, he's incapable of uttering a single word. His mind is a mix of everything he's been bottling inside of himself and all the fears for moving forward that he hadn't let himself think about until he's just voiced them out loud. It makes everything more real and Luke's not prepared to deal with it yet. He can't imagine a life without his 3 best friends in it, he barely remembers a time before they were all hanging out making music and then touring the world together. It's an entire lifetime away from where they are now and what scares Luke is that it was only a few years ago. If so much could have changed between then and now, to make him barely remember life before the band, then it could happen again. This could be the catalyst that breaks them all apart and in 5 years time, it's as if they'd never known each other at all.  
And it'd be all his fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I'm torturing my characters and for that I am sorry...  
> But bear with me, they're all strong and they'll get through it, I promise :)  
> Also, Ash is the real MVP of this story lol I love writing his character


	6. Pick up the pieces of whatever's left of me (They're yours to keep)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: There is a certain homophobic slur word used in this chapter  
> I promise I didn't pit any of my characters against each other (at least not more so than already established in previous chapters) so you don't have to worry about this word being used against each other in that way, I'm not that mean to my characters! *shifty eyes*

Ashton ends up making pancakes after all. And he doesn't stop there. Going all out, making bacon, sausage, eggs and even hashbrowns, because apparently they actually have all the ingredients laying around their kitchen.  
Luke doesn't realize he's starving until the food is placed in front of him and he takes a bite. It's delicious of course, Ash is the best cook out of all of them and breakfast is his favorite to make.

When they left Ashton's room Luke was terrified of seeing Mike again, but he seemed to be locked away in his room still, so crisis averted for now. Calum however, was perched on the couch in the living room watching reruns of Friends on the flatscreen. Ashton went ahead and busied himself in the kitchen while Luke sat with Cal. He offered Luke his friendliest smile which calmed the blonde boy down immediately and they fell into an easy conversation about their plans for their next few days off. Cal wants to go to a club at some point and Luke wants to go to the beach. He's not necessarily opposed to the club idea, it's just that the beach reminds him of home, and it always has the ability to calm him down. Just staring out into the vast amounts of water making lulling sounds as it crashes into land. They're discussing plans when Ashton comes into the room with a flourish, setting the food on the coffee table as if pretending to be a butler. "You're breakfast is served, sirs." He says with his best English accent. "Today we have a lovely pancake dish cooked to golden perfection and topped with a classic maple syrup. On the side we have both crispy bacon slices and sausage patties to suit your taste, and to finish it all off, some eggs scrambled perfectly to resemble a light, fluffy cloud adorned with cheese melted on the top. And to wash it all down, one steaming cup of the finest coffee the kitchen has to offer."  
He bows as Calum and Luke chuckle, then straightens back up with a huge smile on his face and chuckles as well before flopping down in the middle of the couch, jostling both of the other boys.  
"Well thank you, sir, for this beautiful spray of delicious breakfast foods." Cal says still chuckling.  
"You are quite welcome."

Luke eats fast, realizing he hadn't eaten more than some toast for breakfast the day before.  
They've all settled back into the couch cushions comfortably for some time when Michael comes out of his room seemingly for the first time since the day before. They all glance up at him as he enters the room, his hair ruffled and purple shadows under his eyes, and when Luke quickly tenses up and looks away, Ashton rests his hand on Luke's thigh to comfort him. Michael watches the exchange with wide eyes before looking at Ashton with a scared expression. It's brief but Ashton sees it. He turns toward the kitchen and shuffles away without a word. Ash can see him opening a cabinet and taking out a bowl which he places on the counter. He makes his way over to the pantry for some cereal before Ashton speaks up, "Hey Mikey, there's some leftover pancakes in the fridge from what I made earlier, you can help yourself to them."  
He pauses on his way back to the counter, seemingly confused as to why Ashton is being nice to him. He mutters a quiet thanks while pouring the rest of his cereal, then heats up just a few pancakes. He takes his time pouring his orange juice and fiddling about in the kitchen not sure if he should join them on the couch or return to his room alone. They all scoot down allowing a space between Cal and the arm rest before Michael has to make that decision. He's grateful they aren't giving him the cold shoulder, because he knows he deserves it, but he's equally as disappointed because he'll be open to any question or comment they might throw his way. And his track record when confronted is definitely not the best.  
Luckily though, Calum easily starts talking to Mike about how he and Luke were coming up with ideas of what to do, and where they could visit while in town. Keeping him distracted with fun ideas so the silence doesn't get too tense like the previous day had.  
It's not as bad as Ashton was expecting, but he can tell Luke is still sad and uncomfortable. He won't make eye contact with anyone and he's avoiding looking in Mikey's direction, but who can blame him. Ash still isn't quite sure what happened to the two boys after they slept together, but he's guessing it isn't anything good.

Another advertisement for their Ellen appearance plays as they're all squashed together on the couch. Everybody freezes, waiting with baited breath.  
It teases the performance of their newest single and bits of the interview including... the Never Have I Ever segment. Luke's breath hitches in his throat.  
"Never have I ever hooked up with someone another band member has dated."  
Cut to the audience gasping and a shot of all the boys faces: Luke looking embarrassed, Cal and Ash chuckling softly, and Michael smirking. Then the audience laughs as the announcer's voice says, "And you'll never believe what happens next!"  
It cuts back to the boys as Cal drops his paddle and Luke chokes on his water, there's a shot of Ellen's surprised face before Luke says, "Definitely can't get more intimate than that!" with a red face and a surprisingly steady voice.  
The final voice over plays, "All that and more on the next Ellen!"

They all sit in silence, staring at the screen in shock. None of them believed management would allow it to stay in the broadcast, but there it is.  
"They're actually airing it..." Luke barely breaths out in a whisper, as if he didn't mean to even say it out loud. He slowly turns his face toward Ashton who is trying to keep his face calm for his friend's sake. He's not sure if he's succeeding, because as soon as Luke makes eye contact a single tear falls. Calum whips his head around to Mike, because he's never seen Luke look so shell shocked and that can only mean that it's true. If it wasn't, Luke would be embarrassed sure, but not like this. Not like he's about to fall apart. But Michael doesn't look away from Luke to see it processing on Cal's face, he's too absorbed in his own self hatred to see his utter disbelief and... _disappointment._ Michael is absolutely devastated that he caused this and Luke is hurting because of his actions. His breathing grows faster the longer they sit there, and there's pure anguish in every movement of his body while he finally finds his voice.  
"Luke....?" his voice breaks. Luke who was still staring at Ashton doesn't move for a few seconds. The only indication that'd he'd heard is his eyes widen and a few more tears fall gently down his cheeks. His head slowly turns to see Michael perched at the front of the couch, leaning around Calum and Ash who are both now staring at Michael in surprise. "I am so sorry..." his voice is thick with unshed tears of his own. "I didn't mean to-"  
Luke calmly cuts him off. "Yes you did," he says just as quietly as before, "This is exactly what you meant to do."  
"I'm sorry Luke, I fucked up. I didn't think..."  
"Of course you didn't think Michael, you never think." Luke sighs and stands up. "You never think about how your words affect other people, but they have _consequences_. And now WE all have to deal with them." He gestures with his hand at himself and the boys still on the couch. "We'll have to deal with people asking us questions we can't really answer... 'So you and Michael huh? Were you being serious?' And I'll just have to lie about it and pretend it's a fucking joke. Or what about Cal and Ash? 'Are you two comfortable with two of your band mates sleeping together? Won't that be awkward on tour?' And when people ask if we're together, what am I supposed to say? 'Nope! Just a one night stand between mates, lets never talk about it again, I'd really appreciate it, thanks!'"  
"I didn't want this! You know I can't control what I say sometimes!"  
Luke rolls his eyes. "Oh I know full well just how loose your fucking lips can be Mr. 'I'm not even gay.'" he says using finger quotes.  
"You're not gay either!" He yells throwing his hand up in Luke's direction.  
Luke scoffs, "Yeah, but I'm also not straight now am I?" He's staring daggers at Michael. "You outed me before I could ever even _try_ to have a private relationship with anybody, and now everybody gets to see me struggle with figuring this all out. It would be so much easier to come out if I could actually say that I was dating someone like, 'Yeah so funny story, we've been dating for like 2 years! Haha jokes on you!' But I don't even get that now do I? I got fucked over in every sense of the word in this situation and it's all my fucking fault for trusting you with every fiber of my soul."

It's dead quiet other than the sounds of their harsh breathing. The two boys only focused on each other and not their band mates still between them.  
"I'm sorry..." Michael starts to tear up again. "I don't know what you want from me..."  
"Nothing... Absolutely nothing." He say sharply.  
"But there must be something..."  
"Yeah well maybe a faggot like me doesn't deserve to get what he wants."  
"Don't call yourself that!" Ashton yells from the couch as Michael jumps to his feet.  
"Don't you dare say that about yourself!"  
"Why not, it's not like it's not something you're all thinking anyway!" Luke yells back at Michael, ignoring Ashton completely. "I'm not even a human being to you anymore, I'm just some sex toy for you to get off with when you've got no one else!"  
"Do you really think that's what I think of you? You're my best friend! How could you possibly think that?"  
"Oh I don't know, I think your exact words were, 'I'm not even fucking gay, I was just horny and you were in close proximity!'"  
Michael flinches back as if actually slapped in the face. The tears finally escape his eyes and he takes two steps back, slowly shaking his head. Cal's brought his hands up to cover his mouth as he gasps, and Ashton has to physically restrain himself from jumping up and wrapping Luke into his arms.  
"I don't know why you felt the need to get back at me, haven't you already taken enough from me?"  
"Please don't do this," Michael whispers, crying and looking down to the floor, squeezing his eyes shut.  
"Do what Michael? Tell the truth? You seemed just fine with doing that yesterday! You're so selfish Michael! You didn't care that you were hurting me, and then you fucking bragged about it on TV! Am I really worth so little to you? You can fuck me when it's convenient for you, and you can tell the whole world about it to sooth your ego, but you can't actually date me, because you're not into guys. You'll never take me seriously, so God forbid I ever tell you how I actually feel!"  
Michael's head whips up from the floor and Luke's eyes widen in fear as to what he's just admitted. He's met with shocked silence all around.  
"Luke..." He whispers, not knowing what to say. They just stare at each other for a few minutes.  
"I... I get that it was just a meaningless one night stand for you, but... that's not what it was for me." Luke admits softly.  
Michael slowly walks forward and cradles Luke's face in his hands, "Luke..." he waits for Luke to hold eye contact before continuing. He needs to know that he means this. "Don't ever think that I don't care about you. That's not what any of this is about. You mean everything to me." There's tears streaming down both of their faces, and Michael uses his thumbs to wipe away Luke's. He tilts his head forward to rest his forehead against Luke's and they just breathe together with their eyes closed.  
"Could you please just... do me a favor and... just leave me alone for a while." Michael's face crumbles from where Luke can't see. "Stop ripping my heart to pieces, I don't think I can handle anymore." Luke can hear Michael inhale a shaky breath. He straightens himself without moving out of Luke's space, wiping more tears away.  
"I'm sorry." he repeats once more and leans back in placing a gentle lingering kiss to Luke's lips before pulling back completely. "I'll give you as much time as you need."  
He retreats down the hallway slowly, drying his own tears on his way back to his bedroom.

Luke just stares straight ahead, his entire body trembling. _Did Mikey just kiss me?_ He stumbles slowly back until he's pressed against the wall, and slides down to the floor; His legs pulled up and feet planted firmly on the floor, he drops his head between his knees and folds his hands over his head, with his elbows rested on his knees. He tries to take deep breaths, but it's not doing him too much good. _Why would he do that? It doesn't make sense. 'You mean everything to me.'_ He can't steady his breathing and the panic in his chest is growing. Spreading throughout his body like a fire beneath his skin, licking down his veins, and seeping into every appendage. _Ashton and Calum saw... They heard everything!_ He can feel the smoke filling up his lungs and consuming his brain, and he can't see anything beyond the stinging in his eyes. The ringing in his ears gets louder until he feels a familiar presence beside him. There are words he can't quite grasp being spoken to him, too muffled with the blood rushing through his ears. But he feels the presence move his head up with careful hands and is met with Ashton's radiant face. He tries to focus in on his words. "Hey, hey Luke, look at me, please. There you go just like that. You're doing great, I need you to focus on me okay?" Luke gives a small nod. "Great, you're doing great Lu. Can you breathe with me now? Slowly, just like me okay?" He nods again and lets Ashton take care of him, collapsing into his arms and burying his face in his neck.  
When he calms down enough to breath on his own again and regains his vision, he notices for the first time that Calum is there as well. Crouched down beside them, he has one hand on Ashton's shoulder opposite of Luke's head and the other on Luke's calf. He gives Luke a soft smile when he see's him looking back at him. "Hey, how are you feeling?"  
Luke gives him a sad but thankful smile in return, "I feel like shit, but at least I don't feel like the walls are collapsing in on me anymore." Ashton places a kiss to his forehead. Calum nods his head knowingly. "Do you want to talk about what just happened?"  
Luke sighs, "Not really. No offense, but I didn't want you guys to know as much as you already do so..."  
"I get it," Calum says, "But please don't feel like you need to keep these things to yourself... I know you don't like sharing your feelings because it makes you feel vulnerable but... Luke, we're your best friends. You could have told us." He seems sad that Luke didn't trust him enough to confide in him when he had no reason to keep this from any of them in the first place. "We knew something was getting you down but... I didn't know you were struggling this much."  
"I know, I'm sorry, it's just... I don't know how to talk about these things. Like how do you tell someone you've known forever that their perception of you isn't entirely accurate? Like the me you know, isn't even really me? I don't know."  
"You're still the same Luke you've always been. There's just more Luke for us to get to know now."  
"Yeah, but I'd rather you not know too much... It's bad enough now, like you literally know that Michael's dick was in my ass." He cringes and mentally face palms.  
Calum barks out a surprised laugh at his bluntness, "Well that's one way to put it."  
"Not to mention Ashton seeing-" he cuts himself off, embarrassed.  
Calum perks up with interest. "What did Ashton see?"  
"Let's just say I may know of a little kink our Lukey here-" Luke brings his hand up and slaps Ashton's bicep.  
"Hey! Shut up..." he laughs, "but seriously... it makes me uncomfortable that you guys know things about my sex life... I never wanted to share intimate details with anyone. It's the one thing I wanted kept completely private, no one other than myself and my partners were supposed to know what happened between us." He says sadly, knowing that that's no longer true.  
"Will it help if I tell you something about me?" Calum asks.  
Luke thinks about it for a second, "I don't know... maybe. But I don't really want to know about your sex lives either."  
"Well... I'm gonna tell you anyway." He chuckles and takes a pregnant pause, building the suspense. "I like to shove my fingers up my ass while I masturbate."  
Ashton lets out a loud laugh as Luke's cheeks heat up, "Seriously?"  
"Yeah," he shrugs, "It feels good, really adds to the pleasure."  
Luke can't help but grin, feeling lighthearted as he replies, "That does make me feel a little better actually."  
Calum chuckles, "I'm glad." He turns his attention to Ashton. "What about you Ash?"  
Ashton sputters, "Uhh, what?"  
"Anything you wanna share with us?" he smirks.  
"Oh, um..." he seems to regain his composure a bit, "So you know that kink everyone likes to joke about me having? Well uh... it may not be a complete joke?" He phrases it like a question.  
"WHAT? I knew it!" Calum yells, bouncing up and down like it's Christmas.  
"Seriously?" Luke repeats.  
"What? It's not something I actively seek out, but it's happened a few times and... it was kinda hot."  
Calum snorts, "No pun intended?"  
Ashton throws him a glare, but there's no real heat behind it. "You're fucking ridiculous."

\----------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually didn't end this chapter on a completely angsty cliffhanger lol  
> I've also compiled a playlist of songs that goes along with this fic that I've listened to while writing. Would any of you be interested in me posting that for you guys?


	7. But I remember the nights when you'd lie with me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!  
> I'm back with an early Christmas present for you all... Chapter 7 is FINALLY here.  
> I know I'm honestly the worst at updating frequently or consistently, but it means a lot that you guys are still interested in reading this story :)  
> I've had a rough year (or two but who's really counting anymore) and finding time to write is a struggle, but I just wanna let you all know that I WILL NOT abandon this fic, I have every intention of finishing it, so don't you worry about that! I've just had a whole lot of shitty curve balls thrown my way and that's been taking up a LARGE amount of my time.  
> But every time I get a notification that someone has commented or given this fic kudos it motivates me to dive back into this story, so this chapter is dedicated to all of you for keeping me going during the tough days <3

\----------

They sit huddled on the floor together for some time, teasing Ashton and making Luke feel better, but the panic attack drained Luke of the little energy he was able to build up so he excuses himself to shower. Because _when did I get this sweaty and gross?_  
The warm water feels wonderful on his skin, easing his sore muscles and coaxing the tension out of his shoulders. But he can't actually let himself relax, because no matter how much he tries, he can't tear his eyes away from the bruises. It's the first time he's really looked at himself since the previous morning when he got dressed in his hotel room, alone and feeling like his heart had been smashed with a sledgehammer, and barely paying attention to his surroundings long enough to really focus on anything. There's small round bruises on his hips from Michael's fingers digging into the soft flesh, and a few love bites scattered along his thighs. Luke scoffs. _Love bites._ He rolls his eyes at the thought. But what gets him the most is when he sees the giant mark on his ass. He feels a stirring in his lower stomach as he remembers Michael spanking him so hard he saw stars and then immediately feels angry at himself. He shouldn't be thinking about this. It's only going to cause him more pain. But he can't help it. _It happened._ And it was _good._ And Luke can't just forget about it, because it was everything he's ever wanted. And it was Michael. _His Michael._ And he can't forget how he felt wrapped around him, _inside him._ Hot breath on his skin and his voice in his ear, the smell of Michael filling up all of his senses. His green eyes dark and filled with lust, and hair stuck to his forehead with sweat. He shouldn't know how his best friend sounds when he's close to his climax, or how he looks just as intense giving you his all in the bedroom as he does shredding his guitar on stage. These are things Luke can't forget. _And he wishes with all of his heart that he didn't have to._

\----------

He's in a long corridor filled with dark purple carpet and wooden paneling. He knows he needs to get into one of the rooms at the end of the hallway, but how long is that going to take? There must be a million doors in the hall and no end in sight. He starts by checking every door, not really knowing what he's looking for. Most of the rooms don't have anything in them at all, while some of them curiously contain treasures from his childhood. One has a bed he got in year 7, while another seems to have every band poster he's ever owned. Another door reveals a comic book collection he'd forgotten exists and broken toy trucks. The longer he looks the more panic starts to set in; He can feel the presence of someone behind him, trying to catch up before he finds the door he needs. He starts running down the hallway, only glancing in the open doors rather than going inside and exploring them all to save time. The farther he runs the weirder the things he sees. He catches glimpses of fire and crowds of people and snakes and is that a fucking hippo? He stops short and double takes when he see's Michael and Calum curled up in a bed and laughing at something Luke can't hear. He steps further inside and notices it's the bed Luke slept in when they all lived together in the London house. It takes another moment for him to notice that they're both laughing at Luke himself. They point to Luke walking in the room and dissolve into more breathless laughter as they cling to each other with tears streaming down their cheeks. His heartbeat picks up and he can feel the presence getting closer. He doesn't have much time left. But he can't move. All he can hear is the blood pumping through his veins impossibly loud in a room filled with laughter that doesn't feel happy. He hears the door behind him slam against the wall as someone opens it from the hallway. His body jumps and he squeezes his eyes shut, but he's frozen in place listening to the sound of heavy footsteps approaching him. THUD. THUD. THUD. His eyes fly open and the room is now vacant of everything other than Luke and this mysterious newcomer. The hairs on the back of his neck stand on edge and there's goosebumps covering his whole body. But he still can't move. Can't turn around to see what is behind him. It steps up right behind him, now standing flush against Luke's back, and he feels it's breath on the back of his neck... _"Luke..."_

He jolts awake. Sweat covering his body and covers twisted around his legs, pinning him in place. His heart is racing as he tries to slow his breathing to a normal pace. He untangles himself and lays back staring at the ceiling, sighing in defeat knowing he won't be able to fall asleep again any time soon. This is how it's been for the past few months. At least two or three nights a week he's woken from a fitful sleep, because of anxiety induced nightmares. _Maybe it's all of the caffeine. It can't be good to have that flowing through my brain and wreaking havoc in my subconscious._ He hears a quiet knock at his door and glances at the time. 1:24am. He groans and rolls over toward the door. "Come in."  
The door opens to reveal a tired Michael on the other side, his body silhouetted against the light from the bathroom across the hall.  
"What are you doing here? I thought I asked you to leave me alone. Or did you not actually get that memo?" Luke bites out, his anger from earlier returning.  
Michael drops his head and stares at the floor, his feet shuffling restlessly. "I'm so sorry, Luke." he sighs, "I know I have no right to be here right now but..." He looks up toward Luke. "I couldn't sleep and I knew you wouldn't be sleeping either."  
Luke sighs. Whenever Michael's demons became too much for him in the past he would sneak into Luke's room for comfort. He would borrow his favorite oversized shirt and snuggle up behind Luke like all he ever needed to feel safe again was Luke's proximity. It used to make Luke feel safe too.  
"I was hoping you'd be okay if I joined you..." Luke still isn't looking at Michael directly, but he can see him picking at his fingernails and shifting his weight from one leg to the other. "Like before... even though I fucked everything up, I just- I can't lose you."  
Luke chances a look at Michael. He's biting his lip and looks more nervous than he's ever seen him. More so even than when they played a stadium for the first time, or when he found out he was going to meet Alex Gaskarth. His brows are furrowed and his shoulders hunched forward, making him seem smaller than he actually is.  
"I can't lose my best friend, because I'm a fucking idiot. I can't stand fighting with you. And I know I have no right to ask it and that I'm making this harder for you, but... I need you." His voice breaks, and he has to clear his throat before continuing. "I promised you earlier that I'd give you space, and I'll stand by that, but for tonight at least can we just... pretend that I didn't mess everything up?"  
Luke sighs again and pulls the covers down as a wordless invitation, giving in because he's weak and he misses Michael no matter how much his heart is breaking or how pissed he is at him for ignoring his wishes to be alone.  
"Thanks, Luke" he almost whispers.  
He shuffles over to the bed and climbs in behind Luke. Bringing the covers back up to cover them both and burying his face into the pillow. He's careful to avoid touching Luke, not cuddling up behind him and entwining their legs like he usually would. Luke feels the distance pressing down on him like a physical weight on his chest, it's too much. Michael's _right there_ , but he might as well be on a different planet for all the good it's doing Luke. He can't sleep. He just stares at the clock on his bedside table watching the minutes pass by. _1:58 AM_. He's pretty sure Michael's asleep by now, he hasn't moved a muscle since he climbed in the bed, but Luke refuses to turn around and look. Because he can't look at him. He can't watch him sleep, imagining how he wants to fall asleep with Michael in his arms every night, knowing that it'll never be a reality. He needs to leave. He can't be this close to Michael-he can't breathe. He needs _space_. _Didn't I ask for space? Why the hell did I agree to this?_ He lets out a quiet involuntary whimper. _2:07 AM_.  
Luke feels a gentle hand placed on his upper arm. "Luke... you still awake?"  
Michael's voice instantly calms him down. He hates it. "Yeah... You still can't sleep?"  
"Yeah, I just-" He sighs and goes quiet for a minute trying to gather his thoughts. "Can I borrow your shirt?" He asks quietly.  
"Yeah, it's... it's still in my bag. I haven't put it away yet."  
He feels Michael climb out of the bed and hears him rustling around in his suitcase. Luke knows it's somewhere toward the bottom, because Luke doesn't really wear the shirt anymore. It's gotten too tight in the shoulders despite still being too long on his torso. But he still makes sure to pack it anytime they travel in case Mikey wants it. It's just slightly loose fitting on Michael and it gives him adorable sweater paws. It represents safety to Michael just as much as Luke does. He feels the bed dip behind him as Michael slides back under the covers, but Michael hesitates before fully laying down. After a moment he scoots over and settles just behind Luke and lays a tentative hand over his waist. "Is this alright...?" He asks quietly.  
Luke lets out the involuntary breath he sucked in as Michael cuddled up to him. "Um... yeah."  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yeah, Michael. It's okay."  
Michael relaxes against him and places a light kiss to Luke's shoulder. "Goodnight, Luke."  
He's asleep within minutes.

In the morning he's gone, and Luke can't help but feel as if he's taken a piece of Luke along with him.

\----------

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title for this chapter is the first one that's not a 5SOS lyric! *SHOCKING*  
> It's taken from the lovely With Confidence song called Long Night and it's honestly beautiful, you should give it a listen! :)
> 
> Thanks again to all of you who are still enjoying this story, it means the world to me <3


End file.
